Flirting fixation
Question
I am young, wild and I love to flirt. But as much as I enjoy it I can't help letting it going too far and I start to get crushes on the guys I'm flirting with.
Whether it's my colleagues, mates or bosses, I always have a crush on somebody. Why? It's got to the point that sometimes I constantly fantasize sexually about the person I've been flirting with.
I don't really act on it but it's very distracting, how can I get it all under control?
Answer
Having crushes can be totally normal but they can become a problem when they begin to interfere with your day-to-day life. In other words, if the crushes become so distracting you can't concentrate on anything else then it might help to examine the situation more closely and try to figure out what's going on.
You say you're wild and love to flirt. Although I'm not entirely sure what you mean by 'wild' (I'm assuming you're very sociable and fun to be around), it sounds as if you have made flirting an integral part of your identity. For any number of reasons, it has become part and parcel of who you are.
Many people use flirting as a way to reaffirm their sexual attractiveness and to make themselves feel desirable. But are you using flirting as a smokescreen? Is it a way to put distance between you and other people? Perhaps the thought of letting others see the real you makes you feel uncomfortable, so your flirtatious persona protects you from getting hurt. Or maybe you're holding on to this identity like a security blanket, as a way to avoid facing certain aspects of your life or responsibilities that could be perceived as threatening, such as relationships, work and family life.
If this is the case, it might be helpful to look at which aspects of your life seem scary to you. If it's the thought of marriage and children, it's worth remembering there's no rush whatsoever. You still have plenty of time before you need to consider settling down and starting a family. If work-related responsibility is freaking you out, take a long, hard look at your job and try to come up with ways to make it more manageable. Or, if you're worried about being on your own, it's important to keep in mind your family is there for you until you find your way. The point is the future doesn't have to be the scary place you think it is. Thinking about it can feel scary, that's true, but if you take it step by step, you will be fine.
And finally, I think it would also be helpful for you to try to make a few new friends leaving the flirtatious behaviour at the door. Once you begin to see friends as more than just potential flirting targets, I suspect that you'll feel more in control of your fantasy life and begin to feel a lot better about yourself in the process.
Updated: 01/02/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
