Disciplining my daughter
Question
I'm a single parent of two children aged five and 15 months. My five year-old has started stealing from shops, and now, from me. At first I thought it was to try and get attention, but now I'm beginning to worry as it's happening more frequently. If she's not stealing money from me to go to the shops, then she's stealing from shops themselves.
Recently she was caught stealing a book. We decided to take her down to the police station to 'scare' her and show her it was wrong, but it worked for all of an hour. She's even got me into trouble with the law - last year I was charged with child abuse for smacking her when she was naughty. Because of this I'm scared to punish her, and I think she knows this. I'm at my wits' end and I feel that if I don't do something now it's going to get worse.
Answer
It's clear you're going through a tough time, so you've done the right thing by finding the courage to speak up. By addressing your options, hopefully you'll find a way forward that feels most appropriate to you.
No matter how badly your daughter behaves, it's vital that you remain aware of the fact that she's only five years-old. She's testing her boundaries right now, and with your guidance could learn a positive lesson from this episode.
The key for you is to be both clear and consistent. You know that physical punishment is counter-productive, and risks contravening the law, but you can still be disciplined in your approach. Start by choosing a calm time to discuss the situation, when she hasn't just been caught stealing. Explain why such behaviour is unacceptable, and then set up some system of punishment and reward.
Every parent takes a different approach here, but one way forward might be to establish the traditional 'naughty step' on which your daughter must sit for a short while should she behave badly or steal. This serves to remove her from the scene of conflict, and allow her time for quiet contemplation. If she can find it in herself to apologise for her behaviour when you return, you can give her a hug and move on.
It may take some time for her to modify her behaviour, but then she does have to learn to live by your rules. So long as she knows that you love and care for her as a mother, she'll have to come round in time.
Should you feel the need to talk to someone about the situation, either for further tips or simply to sound off when it all becomes too much, Parentline Plus runs a useful helpline on 0808 800 2222, for anyone based in the UK who cares for a child. You can call at any time, and talk to a trained listener.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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