Culture club
Question
My family is very religious and my mum has always been really strict and stopped me from going out and having boyfriends. Because of this I've ended up as a bit of a loner.
Now I'm 18 and starting uni but I'm panicking because I don't know how to socialise. I have made a few friends but the friendship never progresses because I worry that my cultural differences will bore them and I end up shutting them out.
I'd also love to have a boyfriend but I have never even kissed a guy, let alone go on a date.
What happens if I get to uni and become a permanent loner?
Answer
This is clearly a worrying time for you, but the important thing to realise is that there are masses of other new uni students who are having similar thoughts. Of course, some of them will have had a more relaxed upbringing and some of them will already have had boyfriends and girlfriends, but you won't be the only one who hasn't.
You'll find there will be students from all kinds of backgrounds at your uni and some of them will have had very strict upbringings, too. Some students will be from other countries and have the disadvantage of working in a second language. So do try to take on board that there will be lots of freshers at your uni who will have the same sort of anxieties to you.
The good news is that everyone has to start with a clean slate when they get to uni. It won't just be you looking to make new friends - and most people will feel nervous about doing so.
In your first week, the university clubs and organisations will probably put on a display of what they do and when they meet. They will all be desperately trying to sign up freshers for their own particular organisations. You'll be spoiled for choice at the range of activities that are open to you, so your best bet is to get involved in as many of these clubs as interest you. Of course once your workload increases you may not be able to keep them all up, but they will serve a purpose in filling up your time initially and introducing you to other students who share your interests.
You'll also find that lots of students spend most of their free time in bars. It's good to socialise, but you may not want to spend all your time out drinking. The people who do that often fail to join other things - and drinking companions are not always the people you want to make lasting friendships with.
Similarly, if you are living at university, don't feel that you have to be best friends with the people you live with. You might forge great friendships with them; you might not. But if you don't, this is not something you should regard as a failure. Far better to just put your efforts into meeting people with similar views and interests.
Once there - and away from the restrictions of home - you will probably find it much easier to make friends than you ever have before. But do try to get rid of the idea that you'll bore people. Why should you? You are just as valid as anyone else there. One little tip to remember is that we all like to be listened to. So if you feel nervous, be a good listener and others will warm to you for your interest in them.
It might also be a good idea to read a good book on self-esteem before you get to uni. An excellent one is Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell, published by Constable/Robinson at around £7.
When it comes to boyfriends you will probably find that this happens naturally. Often relationships develop out of people you meet in your general group of friends. When you get to know a guy better you should feel comfortable with him, and dating and kissing will just gradually develop. Whenever anyone kisses someone new, they need to learn to adjust to that person. So no one who you kiss will be able to guess that you've never kissed a boy before - and they don't need to know unless you want to tell them.
Try to see your move to uni as a great opportunity and a wonderful adventure. Don't worry if you have days when you feel lonely or unsure - everyone has them. Just keep to your plan of joining things and all will be well.
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