Coming out on paper

I've written my parents a letter trying to tell them I'm gay. It's the only way I can cope with it, and let them know. Am I doing the right thing?

Coming out to your parents can be an exhilarating and liberating experience. It's a chance to share important information about yourself and finally have the opportunity to discuss your sexual identity. It can also be incredibly scary and nerve-racking, especially if you are unsure about how your parents are going to react. Will they be supportive or angry? Accepting or disappointed?  Will they be willing to discuss this topic openly and honestly, or will they clam up and immediately change the subject?

The first step is to make sure that coming out to your parents is what you really want. After all, once you have told them you can't take it back. You might also want to consider the manner in which you tell them. If a letter is the only way you can cope with coming out, then you'll need to make sure that you have written in a clear style and to the point, rather than beating around the bush or dropping hints.

However well you think you know your parents, it will never be possible to predict what their reaction will be. That's why it's a good idea to be thoroughly prepared before you tell them. A letter may offer you more scope for putting down your thoughts and fears without nerves or interruptions getting in the way. Whether you choose to tell them face-to-face or through writing a letter, you will be able to handle their reactions - positive, negative or a combination of both - with your head held high and your self-esteem intact.

You might also want to think about how you will give them the letter and where you will be when they read it. Will you be sitting with them or would you prefer to be elsewhere to give your parents a chance to digest the information for later discussion? Or maybe you would like to read the letter to them so that you can discuss their reactions right away. Only you can properly gauge the situation and know what feels right for you and your family.

If you would like to discuss the ways of approaching your parents before you actually do so, the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard is an excellent resource. They offer information and help for anyone with questions or concerns about their sexuality, and counsellors are there to lend a sympathetic ear. If you would like to rehearse what you are going to say, or if you would like to read your letter for someone else's feedback that is also an option. You can call them on 020 7837 7324.

For specific suggestions on how to come out to your folks, you might want to refer to Mary V. Borhek's book, Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents (The Pilgrim Press, 1983). Not only does it give detailed suggestions on how to come out to your parents and how to deal with their possible reactions, it addresses issues that affect both parents and their gay children.

A final thought: if there is a significant other in your life, you will have to decide if this is also a good time to mention them to your parents. If the relationship is important to you and you want your lover to become part of the family, then that is also something to consider. Or, if you think that presenting too much information to your parents at once will cause them to freak out, you might opt to wait until they have had time to deal with your news. Again, only you can know what's right in this particular situation.

Updated: 12/04/2010

Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors