Are you kidding?
Question
I've been with my partner for eight years and we've been married for three. I loved him when we married but I've grown in confidence and maturity and I don't have the patience for him anymore. He's always been verbally abusive and is opinionated. We've talked about this and he's made a lot of effort but he is just too picky. I can't do anything right by his standards. I always thought I'd be able to live with it, but now I'm not so sure. We've started to think about children and I've stopped taking the pill but I don't know if I want to bring a child into this kind of family.
I've also become friends with a man at work, but something has sparked and I've fallen in love with him. He doesn't know how I feel and he's about to get married but I know they don't have a good relationship.
I look at this new man and think of how happy I could be with him. He's so nice to me and we have a great friendship. Should I try and fix my marriage (again) or follow my heart and tell my friend how I feel? I am very confused.
Answer
This is a complex situation and you must be feeling very confused and anxious. Perhaps the best way to look at this is to look at each of the different issues separately - this should help to provide you with more clarity.
People do grow and change over the years. For a relationship to work, both partners need to adapt to this growth and change and work through things together. In your case, it sounds as if you've matured and grown in confidence, while your husband remains the same man he was when you met. The problem is that the 'new you' is no longer satisfied and no longer willing to put up with his criticisms and put-downs.
No relationship is perfect, but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with behaviour that makes you deeply unhappy and destroys your confidence. Being opinionated is one thing, being verbally abusive quite another. The fact that you have talked about it and that he has made an effort to improve his behaviour is very positive - it means he does want to try. But is it enough? Has too much damage been done now? If he were able to change his behaviour, would you want to be with him? Only you can answer that question.
As for the man at work, it's natural that, given your unhappiness with your marriage, you have developed strong feelings for someone else. It's good that you have not acted on these feelings yet, or you could make things even more complicated and confusing for yourself. Are you sure he's being honest with you about his feelings for his wife-to-be? People often moan to others about their partner and, taken out of context, things seem worse than they are. Or is it wishful thinking on your part?
Even if what he says is true, getting involved with him would only cause a lot of pain and trouble for you, him, your husband and his fiancée. Try not to let your feelings about your own marriage cloud your judgement about this man. He is a diversion, not a solution. Yes, it's good to have a friend but using him - even unconsciously - to distract you from the real cause of your unhappiness probably won't help you in the long run. What he represents to you is somebody new, someone who listens to you and makes you feel good about yourself. It might be wise to hold off telling him how you feel.
Having children doesn't magically make a relationship better. In fact, even previously happy relationships can come under intense pressure and develop problems when children are born. If you have children with your husband and don't sort out the problems you already have, things will most likely get much worse - and there'll be a child in the middle of it all too. Perhaps you should consider all these points more thoroughly; after all, coming off the pill is a big step towards starting a family.
Only you can decide if your marriage is over and whether you should leave. But, if you're not certain, it's probably worth trying every option before you make a decision. If you and your husband have talked, and things aren't better, the next step to consider is relationship counselling. This would give you and your husband the chance to talk about your feelings in a safe, confidential environment.
A counsellor may be able to advise and give you ideas about how you can work things out, things you might not have thought about. How do you feel about this? Do you think your husband would be happy to give it a try? Even if he won't, you can speak to someone alone - it would help you to work through your own feelings. Why not contact Relate on 0845 130 4016.
Updated: 29/11/2005
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
