Unsupported and lonely
Question
I have a great boyfriend and supportive parents, but I'm struggling to maintain friendships and feel increasingly isolated. I drifted from my best mate when she found new friends at university and because I felt she'd changed a lot. Now I've even lost some of our mutual friends because of this, even though I feel I did nothing wrong.
I think I expect too much from friends. I feel like I'm putting in all the effort by arranging gatherings and parties, when hardly anyone reciprocates the gesture. I also feel like I'm being a nag by trying to get people to meet up. Lately I've started being sick again, as I was bulimic when I was younger. I think this is some kind of control thing and that I'm more upset by all this than I may have realised.
Answer
Sometimes, when we're unhappy, everything seems to melt into one and become overwhelming. Often, people change and grow apart and even people we think we know well can behave badly. Losing a best friend is very much like breaking up with a long-term lover and the feelings of grief and hurt you are having are absolutely natural. Someone very important in your life is no longer a part of it and it will take time to get over the hurt you may be feeling. It must also be hard for your mutual friends who now feel that they have to choose between you and your ex best friend. Perhaps it's best not to talk to them about her, but instead share your feelings with people who are impartial. When it comes to your mutual friends, don't make them feel that they have to choose. Just be yourself, show them that you're a great person to be around and let them make their own minds up. If you ask them to take your side, you could make them feel uncomfortable and they may decide they don't want to be around you.
It's fine to expect friends to reciprocate invitations, but you may be expecting too much from your friendships. It may be that you want them to fill the void left by your best friend. Unfortunately, it's impossible to make other people behave or act as you'd like them to. By trying to create a circle that does what you want it to, you could be left frustrated and unhappy. Friendships take time to grow and develop. Perhaps if you spent time with individual friends, with whom you have a lot in common, you could start to create deeper friendships which might ultimately lead to the sort of social life you crave. Make sure you are open to other people's needs and want to get to know them because you like them, not just because you feel lonely.
It might be a good idea to try to make some new friends too, so you can start afresh with people who don't know your ex best friend. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can explore and through which you can meet local people who have things in common with you? Why not look on local websites or in the local newspaper to see what activities are going on near you?
It's very concerning that you have become bulimic again. This is, as you say, almost certainly a reaction to the stress and unhappiness you are feeling. If you got help for the bulimia when you were younger, perhaps you could you ask for help again from the same place. You must be a strong person to have recovered from this before and you can do it again, with help. Counselling can help bulimics to recover; cognitive behaviourial therapy, which helps people to change their patterns of behaviour, is particularly effective for this problem. Your family doctor (GP) can also refer you to a counsellor. It might also be helpful to talk to the Eating Disorders Association for advice and support.
Updated: 12/01/2009
Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
