Emotional encounter
Question
I always seem to be unlucky in love, but recently I met a guy at a festival and we really seemed to click. We were laughing and chatting and ended up kissing. He put his head down and I thought he was just resting on my shoulder, but he was actually crying.
He told me he was abused by his brother when he was six years-old and has never dealt with it. We both cried and ended up having sex. Then he told me he felt dirty and guilty and this made me feel very cheap. I don't normally sleep with someone I've just met, but in this case, it felt right.
I don't want a relationship with him because I think he needs a lot of counselling, but I can't stop thinking about him. Do you think this is because I care for him after what happened to him as a child? I should forget about him, but it felt like saying goodbye to someone I'd known for years. He hasn't rung me since we met and I now wish I never slept with him as I think that's why he saw me differently.
Answer
The fact that you have yet to meet Mr Right is no reflection on you. In this particular situation, you probably felt an intense physical, and later, emotional connection to the guy you met at the festival. Although it's impossible to say what brought the two of you together in the first place, you clearly had strong feelings for this guy, and he for you. You didn't know much about him, but a spark was ignited and the relationship escalated into a sexual one. You freely pursued, what you assumed, would be a fun, perhaps uncomplicated fling. What happened, however, was just the opposite. The guy you met revealed his deepest, darkest secret and you slept with him.
Instead of beating yourself up about what happened, it might help to take a clear and honest look at the situation. You met a guy in the midst of a particularly vulnerable period in his life, and you hooked up with him. Nothing more, nothing less. That doesn't make you 'easy' or cheap. You felt a connection, and you acted on your feelings.
The fact that he hasn't called might be a bledding in disguise. Clearly this man has issues and feelings to work through, hopefully with the aid of an empathetic counsellor. In time, after his emotional wounds have healed, there is a chance that he would be fine relationship material. But perhaps not for now. Indeed, you feel that the relationship wouldn't work out as he has issues to sort out.
The fact that you're still thinking about him doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. Understandably, the incident is still fresh in your mind, and the events that had been related to you were certainly harrowing. Most people in your shoes would have been affected by a situation such as this one.
Therefore, your best bet at this point is to try to put this event behind you and try to move on with your life. It might not be easy to do this but, if you feel you can, in time you will meet someone who is capable of giving you the love you deserve. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Talking to someone about your feelings will also help you to get through this difficult time. You can lean on friends and family members for much needed support, or, if you prefer, you can contact someone outside your immediate circle of family and friends.
Careline, which offers confidential counselling on a variety of issues, on 020 8514 1177 is an excellent place to start. Another useful resource is SupportLine, a telephone helpline providing emotional support to any person on any issue, on 020 8554 9004. If you would prefer to seek out face-to-face counselling you can search for free counselling services in your area on the Youth Access database.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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