I, Susie Wild, am a lite ist, and I'm at the end of my tether. Whoever invented the term lite is a moron, they can't even spell, or is it a further marketing ploy that by using an even more slimline word (one whole letter thinner) we, the consumer, cannot fail to be sucked in. Hmmm, well maybe, but that doesn't explain ultralite, or ultraultralite, and I'll stop there for your sanity.

Enough, I say. I'm not buying this crap - I want my full-fat food, I want real cream and cheese and cake, lots of cake. I just can't understand the mentality of shoppers who want low-fat eclairs, or healthy eating biscuits. It's like drinking alcohol-free beer or caffeine-free no sugar coke, I mean isn't that water? Do you people just not enjoy food, or do you suffer from bland cravings? Enlighten me, please.

I often find an ordinary trip to the supermarket takes me hours as I try to solve the true mysteries of life. For example, can anyone tell me why yoghurts insist on calling themselves low fat? Have you ever seen a full-fat one? I'd bet not, so why not just call them all yoghurts plain and simple. I know, I really am a genius and next, I may try to tackle world peace.

I'm not just bitching for the hell of it - the law doesn't even say what 'light' or 'lite' means, and so manufacturers can use these terms to convey pretty much whatever they want. There are absolutely no rules to say how much less fat or calories 'lite' foods must contain. With this in mind you'll not be surprised to learn that there may be little or no difference between foods that say they are lite and those that don't. Both the standard and the lite versions often contain the same amount of fat or calories.

The whole concept of lite is aimed at anyone feeling a tad insecure, you may not be 100% happy with the way you look, or think that eating lite will combat the effects of smoking and drinking and too many all-nighters. Now while there is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy, buying lite food in the hope of a quick fix cure is more than naive, it is plain idiotic. You are paying through the nose for a lifestyle dream that will only be achieved by gaining confidence in yourself, and getting out there and exercising. Giving up on real food is not the way forward, and life without chocolate will make you even more depressed. In fact life without chocolate would be hell.

I found it even more hilarious to find that this whole new way of eating food does not stop at humans, oh no, even dog food companies have got in on the act. 'Lite' dog food can be found at a store near you, it may be a tad pricier, but you wouldn't want to deprive your best friend now would you? This final act of idiocy has proved to me that it really is a dogs life.

Updated: 19/10/2008