Lost libido
Question
I have been with my boyfriend for four years. He never had a high sex drive but the sex was always really good. This year our sex life has really declined. We haven't had sex for a couple for months now and he clams up when I try and approach the situation.
He hates being naked in front of me, too. My friends think he's either gay or having an affair. I really don't think there's anyone else and I know he loves me and finds me attractive, but he just doesn't seem to want to have sex.
I've tried to talk to him but he just tells me he loves me and says he's not in the mood. All he wants to do is eat or sleep or play on his decks. We've both suffered from depression in the past and the other day he told me he felt low. I just don't know how to sort it out. I feel guilty for pressuring him, but I backed off for ages and it got me nowhere.
How can I get him to admit there is a problem without pressuring him too much? Do you think his doctor could help? Are there any Wellman clinics like there are for women?
Answer
It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a close relationship and that you have had a good sex life in the past. The way you describe your boyfriend is acting now - avoiding sex and refusing to let you see him naked - must be very upsetting for you and from what you say, putting a lot of strain on your relationship.
There could be various reasons why your boyfriend doesn't seem to want sex - there is some information here on TheSite.org about low male libido and mismatched sex drives. Continuing to talk things through with your boyfriend is a great start but understandably, it must be frustrating when he clams up.
Maybe your boyfriend has gone off sex because he is feeling low? A loss of or decrease in sex drive (libido) is a common symptom of depression. It can sometimes be related to issues of low self-esteem, confidence and negative opinions of body image. It's important to bear in mind however, there may be underlying physical reasons too, so it would be worth him seeking professional advice.
Has your boyfriend talked to his local doctor (GP) about his feelings or concerns? If the feelings of depression keep reoccurring, he might want to consider getting a professional diagnosis first. There are a number of ways of treating depression both with and without medication. His doctor will be able to discuss the medical and talking treatment options available, such as antidepressants or cognitive behaviour therapy. If your boyfriend feels uneasy about approaching his GP, perhaps it might be helpful if you offered to go with him, to provide a bit more support.
Your boyfriend's GP should also be able to refer him on to an appropriate counselling service or he could try contacting the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy if he wished to seek this form of support independently.
Some GP surgeries do have Wellman clinics, so it may be worth your boyfriend asking about this. Alternatively, NHS Direct would be able to be of further assistance in locating a local service on 0845 46 47. Brook also provides information and advice regarding sex and contraception on 0800 0185 023.
It's good to hear you're keen to talk though the issues you're having with your boyfriend and seem very willing to be as supportive as possible. It sounds like he's trying to be as honest as he can but it could be that he feels awkward or embarrassed talking about it with you. Equally, it must be hard for you not knowing exactly why he is behaving in the way you describe. If he would be open to it, some form of counselling might help you both to work out what is happening. Relate offer face-to-face, online, email and telephone counselling.
Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone you don't know. Depression Alliance provides advice and support to those affected by depression. Their website is full of useful information, publications and access to a national network of self-help groups. SANELINE is a national mental health helpline offering confidential emotional support and information to anyone experiencing mental health problems. If you feel this could help, you could call them on 0845 767 8000.
Updated: 03/06/2011
Question answered by SANE
