Community: Real Life

Musicals

Stephen is the 22 year-old son of Santa Claus, who occasionally gets in trouble for making up ridiculous stories about himself. He did a law degree and then a postgraduate legal practice course - but is still to find any use for them in an economic capacity. He hopes to be famous one day - like Darius, but good.

A bit of melodrama and a good-old knees up - not the stuff of great entertainment, says Stephen.

As I was recently informed via the rather excellent kids' TV programme My Parents are Aliens, it was Voltaire who once commented "anything too stupid to be spoken is sung". If that's true, then musicals must be the village idiot of entertainment.

I can't pinpoint the exact epicentre of my distaste; the bomb which sends my hate glands (if there are such things) into overdrive. I love music, and I don't mind legitimate drama. Some of the songs, when taken out of context and left to soak overnight, are OK. I just assume it must be the whole package; saccharine sweet tunes, overacting, an aura of tackiness and the apparent disregard for the subject matter.

Let's look at a few examples shall we? The Sound of Music; a jolly and fun-filled sing-along about being chased by national socialists. Hmm, tactful. Try this one - Oliver - based on the trials and tribulations of a young Victorian orphan with nothing to his name. What a great excuse for a song and dance, hey? Anyone with any knowledge of the works of Charles Dickens (and mine is very slight) can vouch for the fact that these were the bleakest of times. But a show stopper here and there, a rosy-cheeked kid (prepubescent, naturally) and everything's right as rain.

"Let's look at a few examples shall we? The Sound of Music; a jolly and fun-filled sing-along about being chased by national socialists. Hmm, tactful."

A question that regularly enters my worried mind is why couldn't it have been kept to the theatre?' Then we could have cordoned-off this section of 'the arts' (I deliberately put this in adverted commas) and got on with it. But if Hollywood bosses can spot anything it's the promise of some dollars flooding in, and so we have these pieces of unmitigated filth filling up our cinema screens, our video shops, our DVD shelves, our movie channels, even our houses. Go on, even if you hate musicals as much as I do, look in your house - I bet you've got a copy of Moulin Rouge, Chicago or Cabaret or something similar. How did it get there? Who knows! Chances are, someone in your house loves them - maybe even without you or them knowing. The evil musical pixies have crept in during the night and commandeered their senses, which itself sounds like a plot for; you've guessed it - A MUSICAL!

In fact, it's become so commonplace that it's almost impossible to find a scapegoat. To hold someone to blame for an entire genre would be blinkered and ignorant of me, but since we are on the subject, ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Andrew Lloyd Webber. A man whose rather dismal cannon includes Cats, The Phantom of the Opera, and Jesus Christ Superstar. Honestly, his contribution to society ranks up there with Pol Pot and Jeffrey Archer - and he has the gall to call his company the Really Useful Group. Useful for what exactly? Getting rid of your Granny for a couple of hours on a day trip to London. The worst bit is that people lap this stuff up - I couldn't begin to estimate how much he's worth. Suffice to say I bet he's not bothered that I view his CV in a similar vein to a list of war crimes.

Not content with converting classic literary works and life stories into all-singing-all-dancing monstrosities, they've now started looking for fresh blood. Pop groups seem to be the newest recruit to their sing-along army, a thought that is stomach churning at best. And then there's the likes of aging rockers like Rod Stewart and Queen teaming up with Ben Elton because no one will pay for their CDs anymore. Where is it all going? It's only a matter of time before ALW and his pal Tim Rice come up with a musical about people who despise musicals, and do you know what? I'll hate it. 

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Updated: 11/02/2005


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